


Hope and Despair

by WritingBarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Canon Compliant, F/M, Gen, Marvel Comics - Freeform, Memory Loss, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 04:59:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6940825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingBarnes/pseuds/WritingBarnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky watched them in silence. They were going to take it all away and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. His eyes dimmed as they prepped him on the chair. This would be easier and less painful if you stop struggling, soldier, they told him. He laughed and laughed until his stomach hurt, until one of them smacked him in the face and told him to shut up. What do you know about pain, he spat at them, the metal plates on his arm shifted as he tried to twist himself free.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! :)

_ _

_He should’ve kissed her before they separated. He should’ve told her one more ‘I love you’. When was the last time he said it?_ He frowned. _Was it this morning when he walked up to the kitchen and found her struggling to cook some kind of soup? Or was it this afternoon when they were about to split up because they could cover more ground that way?_ Bucky couldn’t really remember now. They have been trying to subdue him; painful electric guns, punches and kicks that made him cough up blood, and the evil cackle of Rumlow when he found Bucky lying on the ground.

 

Bucky watched them in silence. They were going to take it all away and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. His eyes dimmed as they prepped him on the chair. This would be easier and less painful if you stop struggling, soldier, they told him. He laughed and laughed until his stomach hurt, until one of them smacked him in the face and told him to shut up.

 

“What do you know about pain?” He spat at them, the metal plates on his arm shifted as he tried to twist himself free.

 

“I can show you what pain is, you weak people.” Bucky added with a twisted smile. They stared at him in fear and he let himself feel good for a few moments.

 

“No one will save you now, Barnes.” Rumlow said. His face marred with horrible scars and Bucky would’ve said something witty to him if it weren’t for the agonizing pain he was feeling. He has heard those words once and he believed it. Not this time, he thought, fire blazing in his eyes as he looked up at Rumlow.

 

“Someone will.” He replied with a smirk as cynical as the hydra agent. “Someone will come for me this time.” He repeated a little louder, as if trying to reassure himself more than the hydra agents. Steve would. The whole team would. _She_ would come for him. That was what she told him whenever he woke up in the middle of the night, sobbing in fear after a bad night terror. And Bucky believed her. She would come and destroy every single one of them, he told himself, ignoring the tiny voice that screamed otherwise.

 

But then they strapped him down and he felt his anger slowly replaced with familiar terror as the doctors pushed him back. His eyes widened and he turned to Rumlow who has a maniacal grin on his face. The leather around his wrists and ankles felt too sticky. He could smell blood, just like that time they wiped him after a bloody mission in Australia. Bucky took a sharp intake of breath when the cold metal of the helmet touched his temple.

 

“Not so tough after all, huh?” Rumlow mocked him.

                                                                                                                                                                                 

He didn’t say anything. He was never the tough one, he thought to himself. She was. He closed his eyes, trying to picture her face, her smile, the twinkle in her eyes when he told her he loves her, her soft skin, and her voice.

 

Bucky took few deep breaths as he heard the machine came to live. He gritted his teeth and let out a muffled scream. _It’ll be over soon,_ he cried. _Just remember her_. _She’s going to come for you and save you. Steve will._

 

* * *

 

They didn’t come when HYDRA wiped him for the first time and didn’t work. They didn’t come when they threw him into an isolation room when the doctor told the agents he would die if he didn’t get some rest before the next wiping. Bucky lied down on the bloodied floor, his eyes heavy and his breathing slowed down as he stared at the metal door. He struggled to focus on the memories that managed to survive after the first wipe.

 

_[Y/N]. Steve. The Avengers. He met her two years ago. She was—she was wearing… a dress? No. A sweater. Her eyes—he clamped his eyes shut when he couldn’t recall the color of her eyes. No. Her name is [Y/N]. Her birthday—it’s—_

His thoughts scattered when the door opened and he was once again dragged to the chair. He weakly struggled against them, wincing in pain when they hit him harder. He could see Rumlow leaning by the doorway with his smirk, his arms crossed in front of his chest as he watched Bucky tried to land a hit on an agent.

 

“We’ve told you before, Sergeant.” Rumlow drawled. “It would be a lot less painful if you just stop fighting it.”

 

“Fuck off.” Bucky spat.

 

“Let’s see if you’re still this catty after the second wipe.” Rumlow chuckled. “Go on, doctors. Wipe him.”

 

Bucky looked away from Rumlow’s grinning face as he braced himself for the incoming pain. He gritted his teeth and let out a muffled scream, the veins in his neck popping out and his fist clenched tight. _It’s okay. She’s going to come soon. They’re coming soon._ He tried to calm himself down but the pain got worse and God, he tried. He tried so hard to keep on believing that they will save him. But they didn’t come. She never came. Not when they wiped him again for the third time. Not when he couldn’t remember her last name and his teammates. Not when he decided to give up.

 

* * *

 

He wasn’t in the cell the next time he woke up. The beeping noise caught his attention and he slowly turned his head to his right, his eyebrows knitted together as he tried to regain his sight.

 

“Bucky?” He heard someone whispering. He blinked a couple of times, his lips pressed into a thin line when a female figure came to sight.

 

“How are you doing?” She gently brushed strands of hair away from his face with her fingers. It felt cool and familiar, Bucky thought. He gave her a small smile as she covered his hand with hers and looked into her eyes.

 

“Do I know you?”


	2. Chapter 2

Bucky’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion when the woman’s smile faltered a fraction. He could see unshed tears lining her eyes as she pulled her hand away, something he wished she didn’t do. His lips curled into a hesitant smile as he reached out his right hand.

 

“I know you?” He spoke softly with a questioning tone. He tilted his head a little. The woman in front of him gave him a strained smile and Bucky thought he saw tears down her cheeks when she turned around and walked over to the table across the room.

 

“You do.” She nodded, sniffling a little as she offered him a glass of water. She pressed the button next to his bed and sat back on the chair, eyes watching his every move.

 

“I… I’m sorry.” He didn’t know why he felt like he should apologize. She shook her head and mumbled something he couldn’t quite catch. Bucky was about to ask another question when the door slid open.

 

“You’re awake!” The man smiled. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut as glimpses of memory flashed before his eyes. _The fight in the alley because a bully was trying to hit a dame. Scouring for food with his best friend, hoping the owner of the diner would let them in for one last time._ Bucky furrowed his eyebrows. _His friend was not this tall before. He was just a scrawny and sickly kid. But then the army happened. The red, white, and blue shield. There was a train and he remembered Steve screaming his name while he fell, and the pain –_ and Bucky let out a shuddery breath as he opened his eyes.

 

“S-steve?” He looked up, a little unsure. His face contorted into a worried expression the woman next to his friend choked back a sob. She covered her mouth with her hand and mumbled an apology before scurrying out of the room.

 

* * *

 

[Y/N] sat on the leather chair outside the hospital room, with her arms wrapped around her body, eyes squeezed shut in an effort to make herself as small as possible while Steve, Sam, and Natasha stood next to her, eyes fixed on Helen Cho who was trying to explain what was happening. She felt sick. So she hugged herself tighter and bit her lips, hoping no one would notice the way her body shook as she listened to every single method of tortures HYDRA put Bucky through.

 

“This was a different programming. Professor Rodchenko built a second layer for his programming before you arrived at the HYDRA base. They were finishing the wiping when you arrived.” Helen Cho explained. There were dark circles under her eyes that were more visible when she took off her glasses. “I’m sorry. We’re still trying to find out if there were anything we could do to retrieve this specific memories but this… we… I don’t think we have the technology for this. This is too advanced. Rodchenko managed to cut out this specific memories and we still don’t know how he did it.”

 

They told her this could happen, she reminded herself. That this might be one of the side effects. She thought she was prepared for it. But she could hear her heart breaking when he uttered the words. His grey eyes were so bright and curious and she really believed for a moment that he would start laughing and told her it was just a cruel joke. She’d do anything for it to be a cruel joke. _Anything but this,_ she prayed, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

 

“And where is Rodchenko now?” She heard Sam asking the big question.

 

“He escaped. Someone from HYDRA got him out last night. Tony is trying to find him.” Natasha answered in a clipped tone.

 

“[Y/N]?” Steve’s voice made her look up. He was looking at her with his big blue eyes, his lips curled into a worried smile. “Do... do you want to go back home first?”

 

“I can take you back.” Natasha smiled. She rested her hand on [Y/N]’s shoulder comfortingly. It was supposed to make her feel a tad better but all she could think of is how much she missed the feelings of Bucky’s hands on her skin.

 

It was like flipping a switch. Something inside her slowly changed and she could feel herself detaching from the pain and the heartache. She quietly stood up and smoothened out her sweater before turning to face her friends with empty eyes.

 

“I can go back on my own.” She tightly smiled. “Say goodbye to Bucky for me, will you?”

 

She didn’t wait for an answer before she turned on her heels and walked away.

 

* * *

Her feet took her back to her room and she wasted no time to take out her duffel bag and shoved some shirts and jeans inside. She grabbed her toiletries and the guns Bucky gave him last year. Once she was done, she zipped up the duffel bag and changed into a long black shirt and a pair of jeans. She put her phone inside the pocket of her leather jacket, another gift from Bucky. Her lips twitched into a sad smile as she stared at her reflection in the mirror.

 

 _This is it,_ she thought to herself, her fingers tracing the photo frames neatly placed on the table.

 

It didn’t take her long to get the information she needed. She approached Tony’s working lab and stealthily tapped into her friend’s mind, scouring for any information she could use to find the people responsible for this.

 

“Don’t do it, [Y/N].” Wanda’s soft voice snapped her out of her thoughts. [Y/N] pulled back her power and turned to find the woman staring at her with sympathetic eyes she has come to loathe.

 

“I’m not going to sit and do nothing, Wanda. Someone has to pay and I need to find Rodchenko.”

 

“We’ll find him but not this way. It’s not how this it works.”

 

“No, Wanda. This is how it works.” She whispered before exiting the room.

 

* * *

 

The next few days went like a blur. She could barely remember what she was doing. Everything seemed to be in a chaotic jumble. There were so much blood, more than she could remember, and pleas for mercy. They were not good guys, she reminded herself. These were mercenaries, assassins, outlaws, former KGB and HYDRAs, she repeated the words over and over in her head as she pulled the trigger. Somebody has to pay for this, she angrily said when one man begged for his life.

 

“I wish I can help you but I don’t know anything. Please.” He pleaded. She should have stopped, she knew that. But she didn’t. She raised her hands and threw the man to the brick wall across the room. There was a loud crack as he slumped to the floor. _He deserved it,_ she found herself saying out loud. And because she was angry—no—she was furious as she was helpless.

 

It took her friends a month to find her. Steve was the first one to found where she was staying. It was a rundown motel just outside San Fransisco. The place was filled with drunks and secret affairs. It reeked of alcohol and smokes. Steve pressed his lips into a thin line as he passed the rooms.

 

She opened the door before he even knocked and Steve held back the gasp that almost escaped his lips. She looked pale and gaunt. Gone were her bright eyes and the smile that used to permanently grace her face.

 

“[Y/N].” He breathed out.

 

“Steve.” She primly nodded, pulling the door open to let him in.

“Uh—How are you?” Steve asked after a long silence has passed.

 

“I’m fine.” She replied, taking a seat on the twin-sixed bed.

 

“You’re not.” Steve crouched in front of her and offered her a warm smile.

 

She looked up with pained eyes and flashed her best friend a smile. “I’m guess I’m not.” She chuckled. “How… how is he?”

 

“He’s better.” Steve nodded. “He’s asking for you. He asked why you never visit him again.”

 

“Don’t lie, Steve. It doesn’t become you.” She narrowed her eyes. _Who does he think he is, barging, telling her blatant lies—_

 

“I’m not lying, [Y/N].” He sighed. “He may not remember you but he knows you. It’s still there.” Steve continued to press on when she didn’t say anything. “Please?”

**  
**


	3. Chapter 3

“This is my home?” Bucky asked Sam when the woman pushed open the door to the apartment. It was so… homey and warm and so not him, he thought as his eyes scanned the room. The place felt so foreign yet familiar to him. He fleetingly recalled the warmth of someone’s skin and the softness of her lips, the way it felt like home for him. He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut for a second.

 

“Are you okay?” Sam worriedly asked.

 

“I…yeah.” He trailed off when he saw the photo frames sitting on the bookshelves. It was that woman again. And him? He knitted his eyebrows in confusion as he picked up one of the photo. It was a picture of him and the woman he saw when he woke up. Her eyes were crinkling in laughter while he kissed her. “Who is she?” Bucky asked Sam with a pained expression. He felt he should’ve known this.

 

“[Y/N]. You’ve met her a week ago.”

 

“No.. to me.. Who is she to me?” Bucky helplessly asked. “I… I feel like I should’ve known her.” He looked around, finally piecing things together. The blankets on the couch, the photo frames, the interiors of the apartment. “Do… do we live together? Are we married? Are—” Bucky started to hyperventilate. The drug wasn’t out of his system yet and it was messing with his head. _He hated it,_ he thought as he let Sam helped him sit on the couch.

 

“Just get some rest, Barnes.” He went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

 

“Where is she?” He asked when Sam came back with his meds and the water.

 

“We’re trying to find her.”

 

“I miss her.” He sleepily mumbled, feeling sleep taking over.

 

Sam sat on the couch across Bucky and let out a small sigh.

 

* * *

 

He woke up the next day with a clearer mind and less headaches. Sam was gone from the apartment, leaving a note telling him someone will be there in the afternoon to help him out with stuff. Bucky wanted to laugh. _Stuff_. He couldn’t remember a damn thing about his life aside from Steve and his days as the winter soldier. He could barely recognize his friends. A soft sigh escaped his lips as he put down the note on the table and got out of the couch. He stretched out his body, letting out a guttural groan when he felt his muscles aching. Once he felt his muscle relaxed, he slowly made his way to the table next to the bookshelf. There were so many pictures of him and the woman, [Y/N]. _I was this happy?_ He thought, feeling anger rising in him at the thought of HYDRA taking this memory away from him. The more he thought about it the angrier he got.

 

Bucky bit back a sob and crumpled to the floor, feeling a painful twist in his heart. Why can’t I remember? He furiously wiped away the tears from his face. Why? He cried as he pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in his arms, his hand still clutching a picture of him kissing [Y/N] on the lips.

 

“Hey, Barnes—“ Natasha froze in front of the door, eyes glued to Bucky and the photo frame he was holding.

 

“Oh god.” She quickly dropped the grocery bags in her hands and ran to his aid. “Are you okay?”

 

“I can’t remember.” Bucky softly spoke, his voice barely audible. “I can’t remember her.” He looked up, voice cracking at the end.

 

Natasha looked away and blinked back the tears threatening to escape. “It’s gonna be okay, Barnes.” She said.

 

“It’s not. I lost [Y/N], didn’t I?” He quietly said, eyes fixed on the photograph.

 

“No, you didn’t.” Natasha’s voice made him look up in surprise. There was so much ferocity in her voice. She gave him a small smile and shook her head. “She wouldn’t leave you.”

 

“I’d leave me.” Bucky’s lips twisted into a broken smile.

 

“Good thing this is [Y/N]. She’s stubborn as hell and she loves you too much to leave you.” Natasha said, offering her hand to help him up.

 

“I know her but I don’t remember her.” Bucky told Natasha as he followed her to the kitchen. “I know she’s important and I know I miss her.”

 

“That’s a good start.” Natasha’s smile widened. “See? There are some things HYDRA can never erase.” She pointed at his heart.

 

“Memories are overrated anyway. You could always make a new one. That’s what I did.” Natasha shrugged her shoulders and took out the sandwiches she bought him. “Eat up. Clint is coming over and we have good news for you.”

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure she won’t get mad?” Bucky asked for the thousandth times.

 

“Yes, Barnes. It’s yours too.” Clint replied. Bucky nodded and gently held the photographs in his hands. There were several pictures that he loved so much and he wondered if [Y/N] would be mad at him from taking this to the tower.

 

“I took that picture.” Sam smiled when he saw the picture. [Y/N] was laughing at the camera, her face bright with glee as she held a bouquet of flowers. But that wasn’t the reason why he took this one. Bucky’s eyes slowly drifted to his figure in the picture. He was staring at her with a fond smile on his face and such loving eyes. “You guys are the most sickeningly sweet couple I have ever met.” Sam shuddered. _Are_. The word didn’t escaped Bucky. He gave Sam a grateful smile before he went back to the photographs.

 

“Come on, she’ll be home soon.”

 

“Are you sure?” Bucky suddenly froze in panic. His grip on the photographs tightened. “Maybe she’s—“

 

“Why don’t you just see her from here and see if you want to meet her or not?” Sam turned to him with an understanding smile. “The landing area is that way and you could see her from here.”

 

“Okay.” Bucky nodded.

 

Bucky awkwardly stood in the hallway while he watched his friends made their way to the landing area. He took a shaky intake of breath and felt himself jerking back in surprise when she finally hopped off the chopper. He looked down at the pictures and back at her. [Y/N] was a lot skinnier now, with a short hair and a pale face that made his heart ache for some reasons. She gave his friends a hug and Bucky intently observed her conversations with Sam and Clint, trying his best to make out what they were saying.

 

He didn’t even realize he was making his way out of the room until she turned to him. His friends quickly said their goodbyes and left them alone when they saw him.

 

“I—“ Bucky opened his mouth.

 

“Hi.” She smiled a little and took a few steps closer to him. “I’m [Y/N].”

 

“I know.” He blurted out, showing her the pictures he has been carrying. “I know you.” He hesitantly smiled. “I… I just couldn’t remember. But I know you.” He insisted.

 

“Good.” He gazed at her teary eyes and the smile that made him feel warm inside. “That’s good.” She nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

 

“I also know I miss you.” He whispered as he slowly reached out his hand, which she quickly took. “I’m sorry I couldn’t remember anything.”

 

“It’s not your fault.” She shook her head.

 

“We can… we can start over, if you want?” He stuttered.

 

“Yeah.” Her face broke into a huge smile. “Yeah, we can.” She nodded with tears streaming down her eyes.

 

“I brought a lot of pictures.” He showed her every single picture he brought. “You can tell me about it over dinner?” He asked with a shy smile.


End file.
